Evolving through motherhood and finding sacred in the mundane.
Divorce and motherhood
I had my children young. By the time I was 26 I had three beautiful boys. I was married to their father and the marriage was not easy. I have to confess that I was so unconscious and I had children without even thinking about it… it was just what you did, it was just what people did? This was how I thought as a young woman. I just didn’t even question it.
I remember the deep pain I experienced the day I realised that my marriage was over forever and that I was going to be a single mother. I felt like I was being ripped in half. Looking back, I can now see that what was ripping in half was actually my identity. It felt like overnight the wife died and the single mother was born and it was so painful. Not only was I terrified of the future but I was also experiencing the death of my identity and how much of a story I had created about who I was to maintain a very painful marriage.
Looking back, I think I could feel what was coming for my sons and I knew on some level that it was going to be rough. We went on a difficult journey after this. There was so much chaos, unconsciousness and trauma along the way. So much so, that I genuinely wasn’t sure that we would all make it through in one piece either physically or mentally.
Hitting rock bottom - again!
A major turning point for me happened when I had hit yet another rock bottom in my life (yes I’m stubborn so it took a few rock bottoms to get me to really shift). I was living in Bali at the time and I had hit the lowest of lows and I remember just sobbing for hours on my balcony and saying to the universe that I am done and that I was ready to do whatever it takes to bring my entire life into harmony… even if it meant dying… truly… I just knew I could not go on in the chaos that I was beginning to realise I was creating.
This was a gut wrenching, deeply painful reckoning. Looking back, I can see that I was surrendering more of my ego stories and that I was ready to give up all versions of being a victim of anything other than my own stories and delusions and I was brought to my knees…literally.
However, I didn’t die, it wasn’t the end of Paula but it was definitely the end of a version of Paula and the end of a way of thinking and being. Fortunately for me, within a few weeks and through a series of incredible synchronicities, I met my dear teacher Venerable Drachom, a Tibetan Buddhist Monk.
Learning a different way of living.
At my first meeting with Venerable I realised that I was home and that I was held by a lineage and an approach to reality that supported the beginning of a still ongoing process of honest self examination, purification, taking responsibility and shifting my life from victim to hopefully being someone that gives back to life rather than taking or creating more chaos than I already had.
I want to make it clear that I’m not pushing Buddhism here. I understand that Buddhism isn’t the only way to heal and evolve, yet it was what supported me at a very vulnerable time and my relationship with Venerable impacted my journey as a mother profoundly.
The kindness and unconditional love he showed, and continues to show me, changed me forever and deeply informs how I try to show up as a mother and in all of my relationships, including with people I work with, to this day.
But there was more to it than love and compassion. I also needed wisdom and understanding. Studying, meditating, practising mindfulness and taking responsibility for my life through the Buddhist approach, brought me into a more solid, stable mental state and this supported me to reclaim being a mother and to show up to my sons in a way that I will always wish I had done sooner but, due to the kindness and wisdom of my sons, it was not too late.
A deeper commitment to life.
One of the most potent driving forces for me to evolve and grow and be a better human has been for my children and the desire to show them that you can heal anything and that you can evolve from mistakes. This desire to become what I wish them to be and to show them that you can transcend all of the stories of the past, still spurs me on to this day. My vow to prove to them that you can evolve no matter where you come from, fuels my path enormously and gives me the courage to keep going when I am tired and ready to give up.
Over time, I noticed that even though the fuel for growth has been my children, naturally this energy poured into the work I do and informs how I show up in sessions with the people I work with.
Having gone so wrong in so many ways in my own life, I can never sit in a higher, holier position to anyone as I can never forget that I too am human.
My spiritual practice has not made me more special and spiritual, it has actually made me more real, more human and after having been brought to my knees several times, my spiritual practice has brought a deeper humility to my life.
I know what it feels like to suffer and I also know the power in healing and the power of love and how when supported we can all transform our shadows into wisdom. Through my journey as a mother, I have come to understand how fragile we all are and how intense being a human is and this journey has profoundly impacted my desire to be in service to others and to support others who also wish to move their lives away from chaos and suffering towards wisdom and peace.
Being my children's mother has taught me compassion.
I have learnt how to love more than I need to be liked. I have learnt self love and forgiveness. I have learnt how to be honest and to take responsibility. I have learnt that everything can be healed with the right intentions, effort and approach and I have learnt just how much people can change when someone is truly compassionate towards them and to never give up on myself or anyone!
My boys are 24, 23 and almost 20 as I write this and they are truly remarkable young men.
They have things they are still working through but I can honestly say that they are wise, kind and honest humans and I’m extremely grateful for their influence in my life. I love them more than they realise and respect who they are and how they have navigated a very difficult beginning.
They inspire me to continue evolving, healing and growing and also keep me grounded and connected. Being a parent is one of the most challenging experiences and I appreciate all of the growth yet I can honestly say that I don’t know who I would be without my sons and who I needed to become to be their mother.
Finding sacred in the mundane.
I now understand that everything is sacred, that what we call the mundane is also there to help us grow and that it’s never too late.
Being a mother has taught me that spirituality is not only happening in holy places, it’s in our everyday reality and I am dedicated to supporting others to see this too and to wake up where they are and heal in their everyday lives as this is where the real magic is.